Three Worlds -- One AdoptiveFamily
Celebrating several cultures in international adoption.
Last Tuesday I learned how to prepare Thit Bo Xao, and then on Friday
I roasted corned beef and cabbage: both served on our Chinese dinnerware. I
m not really sure why it hadn t occurred to me before, but I was surprised at
the lump in my throat when my daughter Chloe wanted Irish music so she could
dance a jig she d learned in preschool. I actually teared up watching my beautiful
Chinese daughter smiling, holding her folded arms steady and pointing her toes
down as she jumped to the rhythm of Gary Owen s jig. Chloe loved not only the
moment, but also the sound and passion of the people from whom her mother had
come. She possessed more interest in things Irish than I had since before her
adoption. We re a multi-ethnic family: Chinese, Vietnamese, and an Irish blend.
We are also Americans. There are, of course, many how s and why s to blending
those cultures, and at times the effort seems overwhelming considering that
it doesn t always taste very good, or that it seems too long, too loud, or is,
most likely, unintelligible. Nevertheless, in this household we continue to
blend China, Viet Nam, and Ireland into our American way of life, and I d like
to share with you not only how we do that, but also why it s so important.
To be honest, I've always loved the study of other cultures, and bringing China
into my life was easy because my grandparents had been missionaries there and
my mother and aunt were born there. My aunt's husband is Chinese, and I remember
asking him during a week s visit as a ten-year-old to teach me Mandarin. Uncle
David was good natured about it, but it wasn t until I was much older that I
realized just exactly what I had asked him to do! Still, I believe it was openness
that brought about my first encounter with blending Chinese culture into my
own family. I think being open to opportunities through the contacts we make
during the adoption process is one of the best places to begin. A couple of
months after we got home, I was contacted by a travel-group friend about a Chinese
couple who needed help obtaining a Canadian visa for their infant daughter so
they could get to Vancouver in time for the beginning of the university semester.
I was happy to help, made good friends, and learned not only about Chinese child
care practices, but also how to make "jiao zi" (dumplings). From there
I looked into Families with Children from China, and after moving to Denver
followed my interest to the Far East Center, Chinese language school, and Chinese
Heritage Camp for which I recruited the counselors. We also bought clothing
such as chi po's and ao dais, and the girls have been allowed to wear them to
special occasions, to church, and even to school when it was time to take pictures
or to give the New Year presentation. We eat Chinese food, whether delivered
or prepared at home, at least once a week. And Asian artwork is prevalent throughout
our entire house, and not just in the girls bedroom. I ve also taken advantage
of my position as a college instructor where I ve tutored many students who
are Chinese and Vietnamese immigrants. Just yesterday, for instance, I learned
from Lien that during Tet, the Vietnamese children wait to open their "li
xi," (red envelopes) until they are finished with their greetings, usually
several days. At that time it is a mad rush to compare amounts received! For
a long while we rented our basement to two Chinese nationals who were university
exchange students. In my position as editor of "Double Happiness,"
the Colorado Families with Children from China newsletter, I ve been contacted
by the community-at-large regarding everything from speaking about adoption
at local events to the need for housing for a Chinese exchange teacher. And
to a large extent we do many the same of things with the Vietnamese culture.
My young friend Thao taught me how to prepare the Thit Bo Xao, and her
mother invited us to her home where she taught me the recipe for Bo Kho;
both excellent Vietnamese dishes.
Now I am well aware that all of this may seem to be going overboard, and frankly
the list was pretty daunting to me as I wrote it. But I must make it clear that
in no way do we force ourselves to do more than we feel like doing at any given
time. My policy is to take what we can use and prefer, and happily leave the
rest. I give my girls the options of forks or "kuai zi" (chopsticks).
And we greet each other with "Zao shang hao" and "Chao
buoi sang" each morning, but I have no expectations as to how far Chloe
or Robin will go as speakers of Mandarin or Vietnamese. I just want them to
be familiar enough with the languages so that if they choose to study later
on, they will have solid base from which to learn. It takes nothing from me
to point out the contributions made by the Asian culture. It s easy, it is interesting,
and it is who my children are. In a way, the study of Vietnamese and Chinese
culture has become personal. I am transformed as much by my children as they
are by me. What a gift.
I ve heard here and there that I shouldn't "shove this stuff" down
my kids throats. "You're Americans first and foremost," I've been
told. And I agree that we are for the most part members of this western civilization,
it is this culture that we know fluently, and this society that profoundly influences
the people we will become. Yet our children were not Americans first, and we
in the international adoption community are rightfully urged to merge our adoptee
s first cultures into our everyday lives to whatever extent we are able. Just
because she left Viet Nam as an international adoptee doesn t mean that my daughter
Robin ceases to be Vietnamese. It is her ethnicity, on this census form as well
as every census to be taken throughout her lifetime. If a child is to love herself,
she must first know who she is. It was rewarding to hear our preschool director
point out Chloe's pride in being Chinese, stressing that this was so thanks
to me. I do emphasize my daughters cultures because I have an adoptee s understanding
of how important they are, now and in the future. Being adopted is difficult
enough. Knowledge of relinquishment or abandonment plays havoc with self-esteem,
so it's essential for our children s emotional health to give them everything
we can that will build their self-image. Our children deserve to have more than
just a superficial grasp of the ceremonies and foods and languages of their
birthcultures, however. My goal is to enable my daughters to move comfortably
and competently within their own individual racial groups, and ultimately within
their own skins.
Let me finish by saying that the best surprise of all for me has been this renewed
interest in my own ethnicity. After searching for my birthparents and learning
of my Irish heritage, I traveled in Ireland to immerse myself in the sounds
and smells, sights and tastes of my genetic past. Now I will enjoy that again
and can include it in the realm of my little family. It seems to me that by
exploring the various cultures of our families, and the world at large, we are
becoming better Americans. It reminds us of how this country was built and by
whom. One of Chloe s proudest moments was in winning "best costume"
in a neighborhood 4th of July parade. Her costume, a simple red, white, and
blue pant set, was topped with a straw hat tied with a patriotic ribbon below
her chin. On one side of a sandwich board I had written, "The American
Dream," and on the other, "I became an American citizen on August
5, 1996 at 16 months of age." After all, in a country as diverse as ours,
it will take not just tolerance, but also empathy to ensure the quality of life
we wish for our children. Blending cultures is worth the effort, and I encourage
you all to explore ways to do so in your own families.
Copyright 2000 Caroline F. Daniel
Caroline F. Daniel, M.A., adopted Chloe in 1995, PRC, and Robin in 1997, SRV. An adult adoptee, she writes and speaks about adoption issues.
Back to: Vietnam Adoption Parenting
