Caring for Your Older Internationally Adopted Child Overseas
By Jean Nelson-Erichson and Heino R. Erichson, authors of How to Adopt Internationally
Advice on caring for your newly adopted child overseas in an international adoption.
You will be caring for your child in his or her native country for two weeks or several months, depending on the country you are adopting from and the length of wait for the final adoption decree. This is a stressful period for most people. It takes a lot of fortitude to focus on the adoption proceedings, to get to know your child, and to begin to win his or her trust.
For children over one, use a hand puppet. The puppet can act out ideas for
both of you as well as provide some comic relief. If your child is too large
to be carried and held a lot, giving the child smiles, pats, and light back
massages when he or she is sitting or standing near you is an excellent way
to give the child a feeling of closeness.
New children are fearful, but they may cover it up. Since they were rejected
once, they may be again, or so they may reason. Boys and girls who begged
on the streets and lived in orphanages have learned some survival techniques,
some of which will probably stay with them forever.
Older children need to believe that you will be there for support when they
have problems - when something good happens or something bad happens. Be creative
these first few days to start winning their trust. Attachment begins when
you acknowledge their feelings and share their experiences. Shared laughter
and shared tears are the glue of parent-child relationships.
We tend to treat Third World orphans as First World kids, overwhelming them
with toys, furniture, and clothes. However, they have never even had the luxury
of making personal choices regarding style and color. And, if they had the
leisure to play, they probably made their own toys from stones, sticks, and
paper. Your carefully chosen educational or trendy toys will probably be played
with for five minutes and then carefully put back in the toy box. That was
our experience with Omar, and countless other adoptive parents have reported
similar behavior. Most psychologists agree that parents should separate a
child's rights from a child's rewards. After you provide the basics, teach
your child that rewards and privileges must be earned.
Your child has likely been eating the cheapest food available with little
variety and no second helpings. Each child responds to this situation differently.
They may eat the crumbs off the floor and hoard food. At home, your refrigerator
and pantry will become a source of wonder and pride. The child may eat twice
as much as you do, creating worries about obesity. Such concerns are usually
unfounded. Let the child overeat for several months. You can control the calories
by carefully shopping for meals and snacks. Children are no different than
adults when it comes to seeing food as a comforter. Since their emotional
needs have not been met, food soothes the soul, as well as the stomach. As
children become more secure, food will lose its importance. Other children
may eat very little and be suspicious of new foods. Introduce new foods a
tablespoon at a time. Don't worry or fuss about it. In a few months, things
will change. Concentrate on meal time as a happy family time. Turn off the
TV and get to know your child. Struggles over food can hurt your relationship.
Many parents also report incidents of bedwetting. If you discover your child
is a bedwetter (nocturnal enuresis), do not despair. Most Third World children
are beaten for this problem, thus they will probably try to hide the evidence.
Help is available as soon as you get home in the form of behavior modification,
bed alarms available from Sears, or large size disposable diapers for nighttime
for a while. See a doctor; the condition often responds to treatment within
a few weeks.
Jean Nelson-Erichson and Heino R. Erichson are the authors of How to Adopt Internationally, a hands-on manual loaded with practical information for families who seek to complete an international adoption. The Erichsons are the founders of the Los Ninos International Adoption Center in Texas and the parents of four children adopted from South America.
This article was originally published in How to Adopt Internationally, by Jean Nelson Erishson and Heino R. Erichson.©2000 by Mesa House Publishing. All rights reserved. Used by permission of the publisher.
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