Adopting from Vietnam as a Single Mom
The Quest for Motherhood
By Kim Lewis
I always thought that I would be a mother. I'd read about the multitude of
single women who adopted children from different places around the world. It
was an accepted way to build a family.
So, last year, I decided to do something about becoming a mom. I started investigating adoption, first locally, and then internationally. I went to an Adoption Resource Exchange meeting held downtown. There were videos and pictures of children available for adoption. Most were sibling groups, which included children up to the age of ten or so, and the youngest children available were about 2-3 years of age. They stated openly that single parents could adopt.
About six years ago, I became a foster parent for one of the Children's Aid Societies who was presenting children that day. I had an idea of some of the difficulties that faced these children. Being a single parent was going to be tough enough, without the complications of abuse, fetal alcohol syndrome, neglect or a whole host of other issues that children in care often have. I'm glad I went to the meeting as I realized several important things. I realized that I wanted to parent an infant and I wanted a baby that was healthy. Prospective adoptive parents can wait a very long time for a healthy infant from CAS. I didn't want to wait any longer!
So it was after this meeting that I started to search for information about international adoption on the Internet. I was amazed to find to there was a wealth of very detailed information about adoption. In my search I stumbled upon a couple of websites from parents who'd adopted from Vietnam. Karen Couture wrote on this Adopt Vietnam website that she adopted her babies at a young age from Vietnam.
Now, I was torn. Should I adopt from China or Viet Nam?
In Vietnam, children were usually placed in orphanages because of extreme poverty or because of single parenthood (which brings great shame). In China, the children were abandoned usually because of the one-child policy and placed in one of many orphanages with hundreds of other baby girls. If I adopted from China, there would be no information available on my future child. In Vietnam, there was a possibility of meeting the birth parents, or other family members, at the special adoption ceremony, called a Giving and Receiving Ceremony. I'd read about a faster referral time too.
Preparation for Adoption from Vietnam
By now, I had started the homestudy process with my social worker. Having already gone through the process to become a foster mother, I was very familiar with the types of questions my social worker would ask. My social worker told me that I didn't have to choose either my agency in Canada or my country during the first couple of sessions with her. She told me that eventually I'd have to choose, but that I still had time to make my decision. Towards the end of my second visit, my social worker asked me if I'd narrowed down my choices, I said that yes, I had, to China or Viet Nam. She told me that it would be February 2002 (or 14 months from that day) that I would have my daughter in my arms if I went with China, or it would be April 2001, if I went with Vietnam. I had waited long enough to be a parent, and I wasn't about to wait until the year 2002!!
So, with this new knowledge in hand, I went about finding a Canadian agency. Back to the web I went, and scoured it for information about reputable agencies. I also called friends and colleagues who'd adopted. I also joined two e-mail lists for people adopting from Viet Nam. One was the IMH facilitator agency list and the other was the APV list. (After much reading, I decided that I would use Access Adoptions and IMH in Viet Nam. I was very happy with my decision.)
During the homestudy process, my social worker and I spent a great deal of time discussing the fact that I was a single parent. My social worker was very supportive as she had assisted several single adoptive moms in the past. She wanted to know about the supports that I would need to have in place as a single parent. It's crucial to have a 'game plan' in advance because without a partner to help, things could get very interesting, especially if one of you get sick. The expression "having all your ducks in a row" came to mind when we discussed financial matters. It's very important to know how much money you'll have as international adoption is expensive, as is preparing for your child's arrival. Having a sound financial plan is definitely in order. Part of the homestudy process requires you to present your financial information on paper.
We also discussed how long I'd be taking off. Thanks to the new Parental Leave, I'll be taking off the whole year (although for adoption, the leave is 35 weeks plus the two week waiting period for benefits to begin). As well, we discussed what kind of care I would be choosing when I went back to work.
We also discussed who I'd choose for guardianship for my daughter, should something happen to me. This also needs to be in writing. Having a will written at this time is a good idea too! These are things that married couples need to think about too, however for a single mom, it becomes critical for these issues to be ironed out beforehand. Parenthood is full of surprises and while you can't plan for every eventuality, being organized surely helps.
In addition to APV, I belong to a group of single mothers called Single Mothers by Choice. I'm not sure I could have continued on my quest for motherhood if I didn't have this daily reminder that others have done what I was about to do and that you can be successful!
As a single parent, it is critical to have a support system in place. Most of my friends have already had their children and when they heard I was going to adopt, offered their hearty congratulations and said, "it's about time!" They all offered to baby-sit and whatever else I needed. Good friends who you can count on are a necessity!
The Waiting Game for My Vietnam Adoption
By this time, my homestudy went to the Ministry for approval and I only waited four weeks for it to come back with a positive response. Ah, now things were beginning to move! It was so exciting to have taken these huge steps towards becoming a parent!
I think it was five days after my application and initial fee went to IMH in Viet Nam that there came a huge announcement on one of the e-mail lists that there would be no more single adoptions for IMH in Viet Nam. I was fit to be tied! For two weeks I was a complete mental basket case! After waiting a brutal two weeks, I could take it no more! So I emailed them directly and asked if my application "made it" before the cut off. They told me that everything was fine with my application and not to worry. Ha! If there's one thing I've learned about international adoption is that you have to learn to “let go” and trust that things are happening the way the are supposed to, because if you don't, you'll spend the entire "waiting time" a complete basket case. (Yes, I came very close many times!)
By March 23rd, I was asked to update my medical and police certificates as they were about to expire (they need to be dated within six months of the Giving and Receiving Ceremony) so I started on that. Two days later, my agency called and told me to get my dossier documents together FAST. Oh boy, this was great! I was so excited! I'd been told that once they ask for your dossier, it's about another 6-8 weeks before you receive your actual referral! Yippee! My dossier went to Viet Nam on April 7th, after my agency had it notarized.
I then began the "difficult" part of the waiting period. I waited for the 6-8 weeks to come. And go. Painfully slow. But compared to waiting from weeks 8-12, it was a breeze. Then came weeks 12-14. Now that was pure torture. Everyone knew what a lousy waiter I was. I groaned all over the Internet! Loudly!!
Around week 12, the regional coordinator (Jamie) called me to ask me if I wanted to do a "two-trip adoption". After much thought, I said yes, as it might speed things up a bit. As well, all babies born in Hanoi, would require a two-trip adoption. Since many of the babies came from Hanoi, I figured I'd be doing a two trip adoption. Back to the net I went to learn about two trips, and discovered that, aside from the extra expense, most people really enjoyed going to Hanoi twice. So, I packed my bags and waited for the 'call'.
The Vietnam Adoption Waiting Game, Continued!
I am the kind of person to whom the expression "a watched pot never boils" means nothing. I sat glued to my phone for weeks!! One day, while at the dentist, there was a message being left on my voicemail! It was Jamie telling me that there, before her very eyes, was a picture of my little girl and that I should call her as *soon* as I got this message! Once home, I tried to dial her number. I tried four times and each time, I messed up the numbers. Then I remembered that I put it on speed dial for just this occasion!
And within minutes I was writing down all the information about my little girl on a scrap of paper by the phone. I couldn't believe it. After all that waiting. It seemed so surreal. Then she told me her birthday...May 4th...my mother's birthday! My mom died two years ago from cancer but I felt sure that she had something to do with this referral! I can't believe that Jamie actually understood what I was saying on the phone, as I was crying so loudly! But understand, she did. I had my referral in my hands a couple of hours later thanks to another couple who received their referral that day too (thanks Heather and Steve!)
I spent the next gazillion hours on the phone telling everyone that I'd JUST received my referral and they should fire up their computers to receive her picture by e-mail! I was on the phone and on e-mail until 2:30 a.m. I was running on adrenaline. Everyone was so excited about my referral. Because I had shared so much of the whole experience with them, it was as though they were receiving "their" referral too.
The very next day, I received an updated photo from Danny and Sara who were in Hanoi adopting their little girl. You could have blown me over as my "little" girl had grown show much. I have since received a couple of other photos from parents who had been in Hanoi and at Tu Liem. I shall always treasure those pictures!!
So there I was, waiting for that other special call, telling me that I can travel to Hanoi, to pick up my daughter. Most people have said that this waiting period is much harder than the first waiting period (for referral). I disagree. For me, I needed to have the information about my daughter. Now that I had it, I was very happy.
I always knew that I’d be a mother. What I didn’t know was that my daughter was thousands of miles away in a country called Viet Nam. I couldn't wait to have my little girl in my arms!
Motherhood!
I spent an eventful two weeks in Hanoi, Viet Nam with her, exploring as much of her culture as I could. The people are wonderful, as was the city. The heat and humidity was something I've never experienced before. ( I shall *never* complain about our heat waves here at home ever again!) Molly was an amazing traveler and delighted all who stopped to meet her. Her smile and giggle are infectious!
Speaking of infections.... we had to go to the clinic for antibiotics for bronchitis. Poor thing. She got a new nickname: Mr. Snuffleufagus. A couple of days later, she couldn't breathe well at all. Being a new mom, I didn't know if I was overreacting, but I took her to the emergency department at my hospital in Canada. Her oxygen saturation level was very low and they put her on O2 right away along with Ventolin to open things up.
Once the doctors found out she'd been in Canada for only a few days, AND that she came from Viet Nam, they were bound and determined to find something exotic wrong with her. The pediatrician was desperately looking for a TB rash- but didn't find one! Her iron stores were low, but that was to be expected. We stayed five days in all.
Molly was a trouper through it all. She even slept through most of her Ventolin masks - which impressed the nurses no end. She had me up most of all the nights, and of course, I look a wreck at the moment, but somewhat better than that gazillion hour flight from Hanoi!
All the nurses fell in love with her, which is easy to do (proud mommy speaking here!).
While I was there, I slipped down to emergency to have my ankle x-rayed! While I was sightseeing in Hanoi, I fell into a storm drain (!) and fell sideways smacking the sidewalk with such force, I though I'd snapped my leg in two! Hobbling around Hanoi with a baby in a snuggli was *quite* a sight to see. The hotel manager put - are you ready for this - bear gall bladder bile on my ankle as a treatment!
They whipped me through emergency because I had a screaming baby waiting for me upstairs. The nurse even called down to x-ray to speed them up! Nothing broken, thank goodness, but a terrible sprain. The doctor asked me how active I was and I told him I was a new mommy. He said I should get a brace for it until it feels stronger.
When I finished in the emergency department, I flew back upstairs. When I got off the elevator, I heard a very loud wail coming from down the hall. It was Molly! When I got to her room, the nurse had her in her arms but Molly was screaming with rage!! Her face was purple and she was furious. Fortunately, as soon as the nurse placed her in my arms, Molly *immediately* stopped crying and snuggled into my arms peacefully. If I'd had any doubt about her bonding with her new mommy, it vanished at exactly that moment. :)
Molly was still sick, but not requiring oxygen anymore. Home, what a wonderful place to be.
Now, Molly is 15 months old and has recently learned to run, and dance on her toes! She has an amazing vocabulary of 18 words plus she uses a few signs like 'more' (her absolute favourite, especially where food is concerned!), 'milk' and 'yes'. Molly loves to feed her dolls imaginary food from her play frying pan and thinks it's hilarious to feed mommy too!
Molly's mom has to go back to work after a year off having fun at home. She'd be happy to answer any questions about single parenting and adoption from Vietnam. snickerdoodle@sympatico.ca
Back to: Vietnam Adoption
