A Belonging of Looks - An Adoptee Returns to Vietnam
By Julie HesslerA Vietnamese Adoptee Visits Vietnam.
When Holly Wells saw the ad for the 25th anniversary tour to Vietnam for children
adopted in the orphan airlifts, she knew she was finally going: "I knew I was
going to do everything to go on that trip, even though it was just two months
away."
Twice before, Wells, an adoption social worker at Children's Home Society of
Minnesota, had made plans to travel to her birth country, but they had fallen
through. As time passed, she says, her longing to travel to Vietnam intensified.
Now the time was right. Wells' parents were unable to accompany her on the tour,
so she decided to go alone. "I wanted to go to Vietnam at 21," she says, "but
at 25 I needed to go." This feeling of urgency helped push her to quickly get
the shots and paperwork necessary to travel to Vietnam. In April, Wells and
14 other adoptees returned to Vietnam for a two-week tour, the first time any
of them had returned to Vietnam since they were adopted near the war's end in
1975.
Friends for All Children (FFAC) in Denver, Colorado organized their tour. FFAC
and other adoption agencies, including CHSM, airlifted nearly 2,700 orphans
out of Vietnam. On April 14, 1975, Wells arrived from Saigon in Milwaukee, Wisconsin
where her new family met her. Wells was one of the youngest children on her
airlift: "The name written on my wrist and leg band didn't match the name on
my paperwork, which said I was four months old," she says. "Later on a doctor
told my parents that I was probably closer to two months."
Wells wore a similar wristband when she landed at Tan Son Nhat airport in Ho
Chi Minh City (formerly Saigon). As the plane descended into Vietnam, each tour
member was given a wristband with his or her birth name written on it. "I couldn't
believe that it was finally happening," says Wells. "I was nervous, anxious,
excited-all of us were talking to each other as the plane landed. I started
crying and wished that my parents were on the trip. I couldn't believe that
this was really Vietnam.I was just in amazement that I was here, and I was so
happy."
After passing through customs, Wells and the other tour members looked out at
the Vietnamese people waiting for arrivals outside the airport. "There were
so many people looking at us, and I kept thinking that one of these people could
be related to me. I had never seen that many Asians.I felt like I belonged here-not
that I don't belong in the U.S.-but more of a belonging of the way I look. I
didn't have to say anything; I fit in."
The possibility of discovering someone or something related to her past was
heightened the first night Wells was in Vietnam. She says, "Several of the FFAC
caretakers were reunited with many of the adoptees, and the caretakers recognized
them!" Wells was thrilled to watch these reunions take place and she photographed
some of the adoptees with their caregivers.
Later on, Wells visited what she describes as "the province of her paperwork"
and met Sister Sylvie, the woman who had signed the adoption paperwork that
came with Wells to the U.S. They had their photo taken together. But given the
discrepancies between the name on her wrist and ankle bands and the name on
the paperwork, Wells is not convinced that she really is from this province,
so her connection to the Sister is uncertain.
Meeting Sister Sylvie proved painful for Wells. "Not until a few days later
did it sink in that I wouldn't experience this kind of reunion with a caregiver,
like the adoptees from FFAC," she says. "It was very difficult to finally face
the fact that I may not ever know who took care of me when I was a baby and
where I was from. I've always been very up front about my adoption, but facing
this head on was really hard to take. I was crying uncontrollably. I realized
this was something that I needed to face and I needed to grieve that loss in
my life."
Despite this pain, Wells believes that her trip was highly rewarding and full
of realizations. "Before I left," she says, "I was nervous. I worried how I
would react in Vietnam and I wondered if I would feel unhappy with my adoption
and my life. During my trip I realized that I'm very happy with the person I
am. A certain portion of me was opened up that I didn't find until I traveled
to Vietnam."
Though Wells did not discover much concrete information about her past in Vietnam,
she has since made some discoveries in the U.S. She recently contacted a woman
now living in the U.S. who had worked as a caretaker in her orphanage. And at
the end of June Wells will travel to Denver to meet Cherie Clark, director of
International Mission of Hope, who was responsible for organizing Wells' own
airlift and many others.
Wells emphasizes that her story is personal and that every family's story will
be unique. But she does offer advice to adoptive families. When she was growing
up, events such as culture camps, tours and programs for adoptees were simply
not available to families. "It's important for adoptive parents to realize why
those resources are available now," she says. "Connections to other adoptees
on a day-to-day basis are crucial." She urges adoptive parents "to take advantage
of traveling to the birth country, meeting caregivers and directly experiencing
the culture for themselves," if possible.
She also encourages adoptees to make similar journeys to their birth countries,
but believes that personal timing is essential: "If you were feeling lost and
didn't know who you were, it could be really difficult. I needed the time to
grow and know myself beforehand to fully appreciate Vietnam." Wells is happy
that she chose to make her first visit to Vietnam with other adoptees that understood
the many emotions she experienced during the tour.
Throughout her trip, Wells' family was in her thoughts: "I have a wonderful
family. I was thinking of them the whole time. Even though I was born in Vietnam,
it's my family who has shaped me into what I have become. For me to be able
to go over to Vietnam by myself shows how much support I have at home. My family
is a part of me and always will be."
"A Belonging of Looks" was published in Heart to Home, July/August 2000. Heart to Home is a bi-monthly publication of Children's Home Society of Minnesota.
Julie Hessler(vietnam@chsm.com) is the editor of Heart to Home and the Vietnam Adoption Coordinator at Children's Home Society of Minnesota.
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